Summmerrrrrrrrrr

It’s summer again. My favorite time of year. Please read that with all the irritable sarcasm it deserves, because man oh man, do I hate this season with a burning, fucking passion.

I’m impossible to be around in the summer because I'm angry all the time. It's worse than 24/7 PMS. I guess you can call it a seasonal disorder because it makes me just want to break shit, it makes me nauseous, it gives me a headache, etc. etc. et fucking c. Most of the population just LURRRRRRVE summer and are always chatting happily about picnics and swimming and beaches barbecues and fire pits and hot dogs and other shit, and here I am sitting in a puddle of my own sweat wondering if I've pissed myself or not, swatting mosquitoes, running from giant insects, and generally being as unpleasant as possible. Anyone I mention this to thinks I'm Debbie Downer for raining on their "yay summer" parades. If the shoe fits, wear it, I guess, but man, I tell ya – I don’t understand those folks at all. Either they’re lying and are always up to their necks in pool or ocean water, or they are inside all day in the air conditioning. Because there’s no fucking way people hang out in this steaming, bug-infested nonsense and radiate joy. Unless they’re high off their ass. That is the only reason I’ll accept.

Whether or not I like it, I gotta live in it, same as anyone else. My doctor wants me to walk for at least 30 minutes every day. So this morning, out the door I went, hat on head (by the way, wearing a hat in this blistering hell is a MISTAKE), watch set for a 30-minute walk. The minute I opened the door I was inundated with Satan’s fart blast. I made it to the mailbox across the street, and it’s a miracle I made it that far. The mailbox door decided to stick, which ill-boded for whatever was inside…by the time I yanked it open I was in a rage and threw the mail across the road. Which meant I had to pick it all up, of course. (And my helpful watch cheerfully asked if I’d taken a hard fall. Technology can suck sometimes.) By the time I dragged my melting swamp ass back to the house, midges and mosquitoes buzzing in my face and having big bites of me for breakfast, I was soaked through down to in between my toes. I need another shower, and then maybe I’ll do something drastic like sitting naked in front of a high-blast fan with ice packs in my crevices. And it’s only June. It’s gonna be a long slog.

Right now, it’s 8:42pm, the sky is still bright as noon, and the neighborhood spawn are still shrieking outside. (I’m an old fart, I’m post-menopausal, and I’m fucking hot. The shrieks of happy children having fun is nails on a chalkboard in the summer. Get off my lawn, ya little shits.) We live in an old farmhouse with no central air, delightful anytime but this wretched season. We are stuck with portable ACs because (1) stinkbugs crawl in through window ACs (thanks, China) and (2) we had the windows replaced several years ago and the windows do not have flat sills to set windows ACs on them. Which is weird, but there ya go. So we're dealing with these portable units that are not very powerful and do not cool off the rooms very much – tonight the one in the bedroom came on at 5pm (it's on a timer) and when I came in 3 hours later, the room was still 85 degrees. I’m sweaty, I have changed my sheets for the third time this week, and I just turned on the third floor fan to blow over the bed. My electric bill is gonna be 5 digits. My bottle of bedside water is tepid. My bug bites itch like fire and my new bottle of Caladryl Clear isn’t due from Amazon until Saturday. I’d get a cold shower but what’s the point – I’ll be dripping sweat when I walk across the bathroom floor. All I’m missing is Carl the Stink Bug hiding out in here until I wake up in the morning and he’ll hanging out on the pillow wishing me howdy do. Don’t freak if you hear screaming, that’s just me sending Carl back to Stink Bug Hell.

I’ll be sitting over here mumbling to myself about sweating and spraying Raid everywhere. Don’t mind my rant, it’ll be over when it’s cooler. In the meantime, I hope your summer is full of friends and laughter. Toss me some barbecue if you wouldn’t mind!

Think air conditioning!
Becca